i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
