More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
