So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
