I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
