anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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