oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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