Cold hands, warm shart.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
