perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
