I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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