she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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