I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
