Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
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Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
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And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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