So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
