I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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