I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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