The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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