First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
