Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
