i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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