Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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