I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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