I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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