It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
