I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
