after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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