His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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