Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
