Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
