I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
