Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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