im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
