apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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