i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
