Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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