I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
