Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
