I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You're like the curious george of whores
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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