You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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