I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
