moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So much rum. So many feels.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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