i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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