you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I take back everything I said about communal showers
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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