Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
