Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
