Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
