at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you didnt know i had herpes?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
