just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
