No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
