Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
