My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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