if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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