i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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