Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
